Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Comparing yourself to others
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?