*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.