*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
#gardening
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.