Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“I’d like to speak with a manager”