[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Cake safety first. Always.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?