@Thynebear: [getting car jacked] umm i know i'm supposed to resist and all but if we don't cooperate we're both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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@imlaurenmcguire: I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
@UNTRESOR: A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you're not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
@GrowlyGrego: Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015