[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
New mindset, who dis?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?