Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Meowchelangelo
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Cheer up.