{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”