Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The human personality is made of five key elements
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Digital security in Ancient Troy
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.