[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
This a good idea
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.