“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Bro what is this
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?