[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
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1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*