(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.