*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Check your privilege
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me in tagged photos
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking