*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
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Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.