@VerifiedDrunk: Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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@jjhartinger: War & Peace wasn't written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
@usermcuserface: At the library: Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees. Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table) Keep the change
@TheUrbanSlangs: Drunk - When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.