@VerifiedDrunk: Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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@AndyAsAdjective: *walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it* hey kids…I'm here to talk about how chairs confuse me
@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
@Mr_Kapowski: HR said it's not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness