Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.