Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.