If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting