HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.