{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it