Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Hey I worked for it too!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m giving up for Lent.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?