my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You Might Also Like
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Sheep
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”