*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Knock Knock
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain