One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.