Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT