Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
You Might Also Like
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Pigeon open mic night.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
when revenge coincides with naptime
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated