Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
i’m still crying at this
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human