Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.