Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Tony Hawk, age 6
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Unexpected Judgment
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.