mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.