Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement