Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
2022: I can fix it
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213