[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.