Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
What number SPF blocks people?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.