my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Weirdly Wednesday.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers