You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
so much to do
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?