GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Human are so complicated
*frowns in Scottish*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore