@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion] Person: "Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?" Me: "You told me to never change."

@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

@AGreaterMonster: So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

@gwatts77: Maybe it's just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@PetiteRainCity: Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....