Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me working on my assignments ^-^
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
True.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps