My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe