If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Midwest trash talk
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The Backseat Boys
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”