gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
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More like Kate Missington.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…