You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar