GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.