GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*