I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.