GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
You Might Also Like
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
A man of commitment.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
🍛
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot