lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Ooops wrong house😂😜
s
oc
i
a
l
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.