GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
i actually laughed 😩
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”