GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
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What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’