GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.