@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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@Papa_Mex: I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women...
@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people
@Sickayduh: When life tosses me a football, I'm the ref who's not looking and everyone laughs when I get booped in the face