@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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@Tbone7219: According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
@lawyerthoughts: Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Judges don't like it.
@animaldrumss: Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
@longwall26: A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he's wearing TOMS and you can't stop laughing.