GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.